Monday *Why I don't like the Cat*

Dear Diary

Today was boring. Of course I did my best to entertain myself while Mum was useless, but mainly I was just bored. I tried to get Mum's attention by bringing my new loooooooong stick in the house, but she didn't mind. Spoilsport. 

I tried get her attention by taking various inside things outside, but she just lay there. I even tried digging up her precious tomato plant, but I just got put in jail. Poop.

Anyway what really bugged me today was the cat, so I thought I would explain why I think he's a dick.

1. He bosses Mum and Dad around. I can't believe the cheek of him. He'll come swanning home (does that mean he swims or flies?) and start yelling at Mum and Dad. They must immediately go upstairs with him and either turn on the shower so he can have a drink or go to bed. It doesn't matter what time it is. 2 o'clock in the afternoon, everyone (except me of course) has to go to bed so he can have a nap.

Which brings me to number 2. He gets to sleep on Mum and Dad's bed! What! I'm not even allowed in their bedroom and he gets to sleep on their bed. So unfair. I'm not sure why he's allowed when he always wakes Dad up at 5am and demands food (see number 1). Mum told me that he puts his paw on Dad's eye and slowly extends his claws till he get what he wants. I'd be in jail for the rest of my life if I tried that.

3. He makes Mum bleed. One of the things he demands is pats (I can understand that), but if the pats are too short, too long, or in the wrong place on his body he deals out the claw filled whacks. There's no warning, and sometimes he sets traps just so he can give you whacks. He's tried it with me a few times, lying on his back exposing his belly. Mum says it is the softest fur ever, but no one can touch it without losing skin.

4. He's far too fussy. He can only be patted on the forehead, in front of his ears, on his cheeks and under his chin. Sometimes he'll let Mum pat his front paws and his chest, but that is risky. I think he should be grateful for any pats like I am, where ever they are. 

5. He won't play with me. I know he likes to play. I've seen him chasing grass, chasing his tail, chasing his toys, but he won't play when I want to. He won't chase me and he won't let me chase him. Sometimes he whacks me when I'm too insistent on playing. I don't care. I'm going to keep trying till he plays.

6. He worries Mum and Dad. Sometimes he goes away for a long time, like a whole day and that worries Mum. Sometimes he hides in the clothes cupboard upstairs and no one can find him and he gets locked in and that worries Mum and Dad. Sometimes he gets in fights with other cats and has to go to the vet because he gets sick and that worries Mum and Dad lots. I don't like it when they are worried.

So that's why I think that black cat is a dick. I'm sure you agree with me, but Mum and Dad don't. They love him just as much as me, even though he's mean to them or just lies around sleeping all day. 

Also he's secretly evil! 

Saturday *To Bee or Not to Bee*

Dear Diary,

What sort of Saturday would it be without spending time in the garden? Probably a rainy one I guess, but today was not that so I spent some quality time hunting snails (note to my overseas readers snails DO NOT carry heart or lung worm in NZ, it does not exist here so this is not dangerous and my Mum is not irresponsible letting me do this) and smelling the flowers. 

Of course smelling flowers really means chasing bees and Mum tells me off and calls me names like silly and stupid and asks me if I'll ever learn.

What I think she is referring to is the time I actually caught a bumblebee, because I am an awesome hunter, and she had to take me to the emergency vets. She said at the time it was typical of me to do something so silly and worrying on a public holiday. She also said I looked very funny and cute. I don't know what she means. 

I really didn't enjoy that experience but I don't see why it would happen if I caught another bee or two. Or more. 

After that Dad was doing some DIY and that black cat was helping. I really couldn't be having that, he'd just ruin everything for Dad so I carefully chased him away. He came back and seemed quite insistent on staying, he even whacked me in the nose a couple of times, but he ran off so I know that I'm still the boss.

After that I got down to the real work of helping Dad. He rudely suggested a couple of times that I wasn't actually helping, but more getting in the way and causing trouble. The nerve.

Mum has been under the weather again today so I didn't get a walk till later and then it was a big long lead training session. Pooh. I hate lead training. I don't really like being on the lead either, but at least I get to sniff loads of things. I was good on the walk out, but the walk back took a very long time and we went back and forth and round in circles quite a lot. Don't tell Mum but sometimes I just do it on purpose to make her look silly. Tee hee! I'm hoping Mum will feel better tomorrow and we can go on an adventure.

Friday *Serious Working Type Dog*

Dear Diary

Today seemed to be quite a serious day. Things started well enough with the breakfast hunt, but then Mum was stuck on the phone thingee again. When my collar and lead came out I naturally thought we were off on another awesome adventure, but nooooooo! Today Mum made me do serious walking on a lead. After a bit of an enthusiastic start and some going round in circles in front of the house, I soon realised it was serious walking time and did a really good job of walking on a loose lead.

When we go to the local little park it was full of children so Mum didn't let me off. What a jip! I love licking children. Instead we ran together, which must have looked funny cause Mum was looking all fancy for work. After the park the serious walking continued until I thought I'd finally found a badger hole. It was deep and disappeared under the pavement and wasn't there last week. 

I had a little investigate but Mum said it wasn't a badger hole, it was just another earthquake hole and I should be careful. So I was.

After we got home and I got treats and snuggles for my good serious walking (we only had to turn around once) it was straight back out to visit all my friends at the Tannery pop up shops. They are having something called a sale which Mum was quite keen on, but I don't care about that sort of thing. I had lots of snuggles while Mum shopped at Flock, Dead Set and finally settled on some bracelets from Where the Fox Lives (I didn't find any foxes though so I think that shop might be lying). I thought they were pretty cool so I tried one out. I'm a rock chick!

After a serious lunch where I sat like a good girl on a chair the whole time, it was off to the office. Boring. And serious. Seriously boring.

Mum did lots of work and I did lots of sleep. Then we all went upstairs for a serious meeting, which was actually serious and even Mum was bored. 

Finally my friend Steve came up and that was better and he played with me and got me excited. For a while. All that seriousness was quite tiring so I'm glad to be home and curled up between Mum and Dad on the couch. That black cat has jumped up next to Dad though. I'm trying to be good, but he keeps hitting me with his tail and poking me with his paw. Such a dick. 

Sunday *Nothing Like a Bush Walk*

Dear Diary,

Meh, Sunday mornings. No one pays me enough attention and I got in trouble this morning for wanting to play with the vacuum thing. Usually I can't be bothered with it, but Mum took the weird bristly endy bit off and I stuck my nose in the tube and it was brilliant. I have no idea why Mum didn't think so. After that Mum moved things around on the benches, and put things in water and generally didn't play or snuggle me at all not good enough! 

She did promise that when she was finished we'd go somewhere special for a walk and she was right. But, and this is a big butt she also did something very stupid, which I'll of course forgive her for because she is generally intelligent and amazing and she reads this diary and controls my food. Love you Mum! Anyway we go to this amazing place and she started taking pictures and then realised she hadn't put some card thing in the camera, so no pics with that. Luckily she had her phone thingee which photos too so all was not lost. 

We were at a place up the top of the hills just above town and the views were gorgeous. Not that I cared. The freshly mown grass there was just the best for barreling through. Dad decided I should pay more attention to my surroundings though. 

I didn't look at it out of spite for being picked up in such an undignified manner in front of a cute cocker spaniel called Fonz who I wanted to play with (he didn't want to play with me and his dad called him a wuss.)

After admiring the view came the betterest bit. We went into the bush! And I don't mean some little bushes, this was proper native bush forest and the smells were Ah-maze-ing! I had to stay on a lead cause of a dumb sign, but Mum had the long rope so I got to run around heaps and heaps. It was magic and I want more!

After all the running around Mum announced it was time to go to the pub so we headed to my favourite one called the Brewery. They like dogs and all the staff fuss over me and they have good pizzas and sometimes Mum drops bits of cheese on the ground. She is a messy eater. Today they also had live music, so I chilled out to the great sounds and let everyone admire me. 

Then we had to so shopping, although to me it just seemed like wandering round and making people fall in love with me and looking cool. Which of course I did with my Walk this Way collar and lead. Here I am trying to get Mum cute puppy discount by schmoozing the lady at the Dead Set Boutique.

And here I am surveying the First Few Shops at the new Tannery Emporium. Obviously I class up the place. 

I was pretty pooped after all this but when we got home Dad decided that black cat should learn to stand up to me. I was not impressed, but I felt a bit better knowing he wasn't either and the first chance he got to escape from Dad he took. I encouraged him up the tree again, because obviously he likes it so much and I am very helpful.

So tired now. Must be bedtime.

Saturday *Life is a Beach*

Dear Diary

The hot summer weather has returned to Christchurch and while my northern hemisphere friends are bounding about in the snow I'm bounding about in the sand.

It was a scorcher today so Mum decided it was time to visit a different beach for me to play on. But first we had to go to a MILLION shops, and by we I don't mean me, although I did get to go into the one where mum got a thing for her camera. Mostly I just stayed in the car with Mum while Dad did stuff. We drove around so many places that I thought we were going on a big trip and fell asleep. Finally we got to the beach and it was rad (as one of my favourite UK mates would say). Mum says that I am very lucky to have so many different beaches within 15 minutes drive from our house, but surely everyone has the same thing.

This beach is long, like me, and has surf and lots of people and dogs to play with. I did discover that the sea here is really sneaky. One minute I was telling Mum what a great time I was having, the next it was grabbing me! Cheeky.

I didn't mind being wet cause it was so hot, and I am now an awesome swimming dog who is not afraid of the sea at all. But it is rather impolite to sneak up on a Lady. After plenty of running around I found a nice place to rest and chew on a delicious salty pine cone. I really think Mum and Dad need to sort things out and get a good supply of pine cones in our backyard. Slackers.

Then it was time, again, for practicing posing on a log, especially for my UK friends who know the importance of log sitting. I think I nailed it. 

I am a deep, sensitive soul, mysterious and wistful

After so much fun there really was nothing for it but to sleep all afternoon, but I decided that Mum really should rest after such a big walk so I made sure to lie on her neck as much as I could. Then that evening we had one of Christchurch's infamous earthquakes. This is only the second one I've felt, but Mum says there's been over 11,000! It was a loud roary thing, but I was louder and scared it off with my fearsome barking. Mum and Dad were both grateful, but that stupid black cat didn't even wake up. He should be more grateful to me.  How does he expect to be the head of the pack if he doesn't care about earthquakes? 

Wednesday * Must Climb ALL The Things!

Dear Diary,

I'm afraid I've been naughty today, all day long. I couldn't help it. Mum is sick again and was lying on the couch not paying me enough attention, AND the cat seems to be usurping my place in the pack, and I hadn't been for a walk. There was really only one thing for it, I had to prove that anywhere the cat can go I can too!

I've recently got tall enough to jump up onto the couches so it was really easy to get onto the bench from there as the couch is against the back of the bench. I've been doing this for a few days now. It gets Mum to come straight downstairs since she put that stupid baby gate up. Of course I get told off and crated, but it works every time so I'm not going to stop. Hahahaha!

I've also worked out I can get onto the window sill where that black cat gets fed so I had myself some of his yummy food a couple of times. Mummy was really annoyed and I got lonely timeout for a long time after the second time I did it.

But my best achievement was getting up onto the high outdoor table where that black cat lounges about and eats the green plants that make him all silly. I'm not telling anyone how I did it, but I could tell Mum was really impressed cause she didn't tell me off or anything until she had me by my scruff. I was in big trouble again.

Since I was already in trouble I spent as much time as I could harassing that black cat too. Mummy seemed really unhappy about this, but that'll teach her that I'm the boss, not the stupid cat.

Now Dad has completely rearranged the lounge so I can't get on the bench and Mum has moved everything away from the outside table and the cat food is somewhere else I can't get to so my fun is a bit spoiled. Luckily there's still lots of things to climb every where so I can keep climbing. I love it.

I think I'll be nicer to Mum tomorrow though, I don't like it when she's sad. (I will still try and eat her delicious slippers though!)