Tuesday *A Dachshund's Guide to Visiting your Friend's House*

Dear Diary

Correct etiquette when visiting someone else's home is very important, or your human will get all silly and growly and you might offend your chums.

When first arriving it is extremely important that you announce that it is you by barking and yelling as loud as possible. This will let your chums know that it is you arriving and not some border incursion by evil badgers and their minions. 

Once your chums know you are there they will return your greeting with gusto and the formal invitation into the house will be given. To humans this probably seems the same as other barking, but it is our secret language to ensure that no spy from the badger camp is admitted into a friend's house.

Once inside there are different rules for different members of the household. Firstly my favorite sort of chum, the gentleman of the household (note, this only applies to female visitors, male visitors must wait for the female of the house to initiate). If the gentleman of the house wishes to welcome you into his home by having his wicked way with you it is important (and fun) that you comply. It would be rude to do otherwise. This is the most affectionate of greetings and should be carried out away from humans who just don't get it and will try and break it up. It is important not to carry it out ON the humans, that seems to particularly distress them - sensitive souls.

At the home I visited last night there are two gorgeous girls, one is a wise older woman. When dealing with your elders try not to jump all over them if they seem reserved. The elderly dog deserves you respect and ear pulling and pushing over are not manners. If the elderly dog wishes to play he or she will come to you and they will tell you in no uncertain terms when they are finished. 

It may be that there are shy dogs at the home you are visiting. You must not scare the shy dogs and you should try not to be grumpy if they tell you to go away with lots of barking. Just play with your other chum(s) and every now and then check on the shy dog. With time she (or he) will learn that you are fun and will stop shouting and want to play.

Now for some very very important advice. It is possible that the house you are going to will have cats! I know it is shocking. Obviously you need to put those cats in their place and teach them that you are the boss. However your human and the house human(s) will not like this at all. You need to learn to be sneaky and wait till the humans aren't looking before barking at (and if you are lucky chasing) the cats. Do not get caught, especially more than once, or you will be taken home and called a bad dog. Be warned though, some cats do not understand that they are below us and will attack you with their ninja death claws. It is a risk we all have to take. 

Finally before playtime can commence you'll need to run around and check the house for badger surveillance equipment (and any yummy dead flies) that might have been missed by the occupants. This is very good manners and one of the reasons sneaky badgers have not yet got the upper hand with us! 

Then it is play time and I think we all know how that works.

When it is time to leave be polite and say goodbye nicely. A few licks and quiet grumbles will suffice. And that is that. Another successful play date.

Wednesday *Playing with the Terrible Trio*

Dear Diary

After all the excitement of yesterday I've been very tired all day. Luckily napping is one of my many specialties! And when I wasn't sleeping I was thinking about sleeping...

...or begging for food. Mum is such a meanie though, my begging never works! I always have to work for my treats.

But it wasn't just a lazy day. I got to visit my lovely friends Ruby, Hugo and Alice at Aunty Paula and Uncle Robert's. Last time I visited Alice was very grumpy at me. She had a bad experience with a nasty dog so she is a bit of a worrier now. This time she was much braver and even played with me for a little bit before she remembered she had to growl at me. I'll win her over soon though!

As usual Hugo was VERY excited to see me. Mum is very relieved that she made me have that yucky operation just before Christmas, even though Hugo doesn't really know what he's doing. Mum and Dad found it very funny. I'll admit that I did lead him on a bit, giving him kisses as soon as I arrived!

But when I got tired of his slightly inept attentions I showed him that I'm really the boss.

Everyone found this very amusing and then it was time for treats! Yay treats. It all started off well with a treat scramble from Aunty Paula. We were all excited and played together nicely.

Then mean Mum decided that I had to show everyone how I get treats in my house. I had to sit and wait.

I had to lie down.

I had to roll.

And I had to give Mum a paw.

Of course I did it all, and then I had a quiet word with lovely Ruby. She is an old wise lady who I'm distantly related to. She's a Vidlynn like me!

After all the humans went inside to sit round and drink tea I found a rawhide chew in the garden! What a score. So I ran round and round and round while Hugo chased me more. Finally we both got bored of that went inside. I'm glad we did because when I got in there the two mean cats that live with Ruby and Hugo and Alice where plotting something. 

I'm not sure what it was, but I was extra cautious in case of a surprise clawed attack. Hugo, bless him, just looked please with his supposed conquest of me. Ha! He mainly conquested the lawn.

It was a great night and Mum and Dad really enjoyed it too, which is always a nice bonus. I think that next time we visit I might even be able to persuade Alice to play with me too.

Monday *Slaving Away and Learning about Cats*

Dear Diary

Monday's really are a lot of work aren't they. I made an early start today as Mum was busy and so I got down to some gardening chores that I felt needed to be completed. First I turned the soil for Mum to make sure her chilli and tomato are going well. Then I removed some weed mat that Mum obviously didn't need there anymore. I was going to bring it inside so I could show her, but then I remembered the potting mix incident so I just left it by the door. I'm a good dog. 

Mum still didn't seem very happy, so I thought I'd help her do some research. She pointed out the library books aren't for chewing so I was on my best behaviour. 

 

Turns out research is really boring, even if it is children's books, so I did what I do best and slept. Mum was really busy so it took ages for me to get my walk. Mum said we were going to a big park on the other side of town. I've been there before and I liked it because it has agility things and a river and countryside and lots and lots of friends to play with. Today was no different. I was ace at agility.

And I played with everyone!

You'll note I'm swimming in one of the above shots. Mum tricked me into it because apparently jumping around in mud isn't ideal for going home in the car. That's my new friend Teddy I'm chasing, he was after my treat, tricksy little thing!

After all the playing it is always important to have some Mum and me time, otherwise she gets sad, so we headed off along the country walk. Mum wanted me to use my awesome tracking skills and hid on top of a little hill. Lets just say it didn't go well and it took me about 6 circuits of the hill work out where Mum was. Lucky she had the good treats waiting. Then further on I met the BIGGEST dog eva! She was on the other side of a fence with lots of other big dogs so I couldn't play with her. Maybe some other time.

I was really tired after my big walk, but I think that was Mum's plan all along because then she took me to place where men looked at her car and went under it and opened it up and drove it on spinney things. It took forEVER, but even though it was really boring I only grumbled a little bit. I'm a good dog.

After that I thought the excitement of the day was well and truly over, but after dinner Mum got my lead out again and we got back into the car! Brilliant. Off we went to visit Aunty Paula and Uncle Robert from work and their three sausages (and two mean cats). I had the best time running around madly with Hugo (although he seemed to have ulterior motives which embarrassed his parents and made my Mum laugh). She did tell me off for leading him on though and that I shouldn't wind up older men. I was extra good and gentle with lovely Ruby who is very old, but still likes to play a bit. 

The only one I couldn't charm was beautiful Alice who doesn't like me and hid on her mum all night.  

I also tried my best to play with the two cats they all live with. I thought they'd be like that black cat that lives with us and I could chase them and have a brilliant time. I was wrong. They are tough cats and try as I might they wouldn't run. 

In the end one beat me up so now I've decided that the black cat I live with might not be so bad. I maybe might be a little bit nicer to him.