Friday *Date Morning*

Dear Diary,

What an awesmazing day it has been today! This morning I went on a date with my gorgeous boyfriend Louie Lord von Houndlinghausen. Being aristocratic and of slightly more years than me (only 56 dog ones!) he appreciates a gentle stroll rather than a full on romp. 

I still love him though and of course greeted him with kisses.

I suspect the other dogs are whispering behind my back that I'm actually a gold digger because of the age difference, but people need to remember that I too am aristocracy and a lady and the only digging I do is when I'm on the hunt for nefarious badgers.

Anyway, Lord Louie really knows how to look after a lady and watches out for me and very discretely leads me into the bushes when there is opportunity. I like that in a man. 

And best of all Louie (as I call him) understands my loving friendly nature and is happy to keep our relationship open so he isn't at all jealous when I go racing around with Cooper or tussling with Mav.

The only issue I had on our walk was my mother! Really she is becoming quite intolerable. Yes it was a hot day. Yes all the big dogs were swimming. Yes I was hot BUT it is NOT necessary to dump me in the spa pool! I don't like swimming. yes I did feel better after, but that is not the point. 

Then even worst we had to go to work! What what what? I haven't had to be in my Penny pen for aaagggeesss. It was so boring! Lucky she made up for it later. We went back out to my favourite park and Mum and I met our first client. His name is Monty and he's 17 weeks old and stupendously cute! 

He's a bit of a shy boy initially, but he's great fun to play with once he gets going! And he's really fast. Mum ended up taking lots of photo's of grass because he's so quick. I'm so looking forward to going walking with him! 

When I got home there was a parcel for me in the mailbox from my wonderful Aunty Donna in Oztraila. She's so awesome! She sent me this super cute pink hoodie. 

I have to admit I'm really a bit of a nudist and don't even like wearing my collar, so I did kinda of put up a fight getting it on. And I did kind of try and get it off me for a while. But I do look amazing in it and Mum says when it's a bit colder I'll really appreciate the extra warmth. Plus it's from an amazing shop called Peter Alexander and he makes the bestest eva Penny things (and has very good taste in both dogs and names). You should all go check out http://www.peteralexander.com.au/shop/en/peteralexander and you too can look as gorgeous and stylish as me! 

I guess we all have to make sacrifices to look good. I wonder if Lord Louie will like me in my new top?

Thursday *Schooling Ole Baby Face*

Dear Diary,

Remember how I said that Baby Face Frank was a big gentle honey to play with? Well that's all changing and he's become a big stompy monster (still stupidly cute though). He's also turned into a cunning play fighter as you can see in this photo of him chewing my leg off!

So I'm having to school him in some manners! Being a big lump of a thing I have use fairly strict methods with Frank. Firstly I need him to understand that being on top all of the time (and munching on young ladies necks) is not good manners.

To do this I employ the ever successful ear chomp. Those big black velvety ears are perfect for a gentle nibble or a strong reprimanding bite if the play gets out of hand.

Sometimes a two on one ear chomp is necessary and Cooper is often on hand to help me with this.

If the ear chomp doesn't quite get through to Frank that I am in fact in change then it can be necessary to bring out the muzzle gnaw.

This only works on dogs that have a nose to chew on, like my mate Hunter, but my dear little friend Milly is immune (and she knows it).

Once the muzzle chew has been deployed I find there is a much friendlier and more submissive Frank for me to play with. Over time he has learned that when I say enough it is my turn to be on top and I of course take full advantage of the situation.

While Frank is beginning to learn good manners with me, he still has some way to go with the other distinguished sausages in our gang. Only I'm allowed to use Kaiser as a step stool or launching ramp, Frank is far to big!

The only time I don't like playing with Frank is when he's been galumphing around in the spa pool. He loves the water, which I don't really understand. He clambers in and out of the pool with the big dogs and even likes having it poured on him. What a weirdo.

The worst thing is when he's wet he soaks me! That is really not manners at all. I guess there's not really much I can do about that though, unless I employ a towel boy to dry Frank off before he plays with me? Hmmmm, something to think about there.

New ventures and adventures

Dear Diary,

What a crazy time it is! Mum and I are business partners! That's way she's been so slack about being my secretary, but I forgive her because if our new business takes off I'll have lots of new friends to play with all the time. We are starting a dog walking service, it's called Penny Paws Petcare (after you know who) and anyone lucky enough to use it will get to hang out with me. So everyone (based round the Port Hills in Christchurch) should go to our website and ring or email us to arrange for us to visit you! Your dogs will have the best time EVA!

While Mum has been busy organising everything I've still been having great adventures. I've been hanging with my gang and teaching that naughty Frank not to be too rough with me, but he's a bit of a slow learner. Sigh.

He's also crazy about water. Personally I don't see what's so great about it, but each to there own.

Oh, and I officially have a boyfriend, according to Facestalk anyway. He is a Lord, a title befitting a Lady of my breeding and he is rather gorgeous. His name is Louie Lord von Houndlinghausen, I am very much looking forward to our next date!

Mum had to go for a meeting with the lovely Aurora who owns Petcare Services Ltd and is the BEST dog walker in Sumner (and perhaps the world) because she is helping us with our business. I got to play with my sausagey friends Otto and Kaiser (and Barky Harry), but I also met some giants.

I meet Barry the giant cat, who unlike that black cat I live with, loves to play with me.

Unfortunately he lives in something called the pussy palace, but seems more like a fortress. I tried to conquer it, but I just couldn't manage it. Yet.

And I met a giant rabbit called Graeme. I thought he was a delicious treat for me, but then he told me off and I had to run away. He's crazy and scary!

Yesterday I got to go the the Agility Trials. It was very hard work for me because I wasn't allowed to go and talk to every dog I saw and had to be good and be on my lead all the time. To make the most of being on my lead I kindly offered to model one of the Safety Collars leads for my lovely Aunty Els. This time I had a much more appropriate one!

We watched lots of fun running and jumping and lots of people asked me if I wanted to do it, which I do! But I'm not old enough yet, I have to wait till my bones have finished growing and got all tough. I can't wait to fly through the air though.

I did get to met some really lovely dogs though, and I met a tiny puppy who was only 9 weeks old. He had to stay in jail because he hadn't had all his shots which made me sad because we really wanted to play together.

Mum finally let me have a run around the big grounds and I was so excited I decided to be a charging bull and run very seriously. See I can be a serious dog. I'll be great at agility!

Anyway Mum took a bazillion photos of dogs jumping so here are some of them. And don't forget to check out Penny Paws Petcare. I can't wait to play with you!

Tuesday *A Dachshund's Guide to Visiting your Friend's House*

Dear Diary

Correct etiquette when visiting someone else's home is very important, or your human will get all silly and growly and you might offend your chums.

When first arriving it is extremely important that you announce that it is you by barking and yelling as loud as possible. This will let your chums know that it is you arriving and not some border incursion by evil badgers and their minions. 

Once your chums know you are there they will return your greeting with gusto and the formal invitation into the house will be given. To humans this probably seems the same as other barking, but it is our secret language to ensure that no spy from the badger camp is admitted into a friend's house.

Once inside there are different rules for different members of the household. Firstly my favorite sort of chum, the gentleman of the household (note, this only applies to female visitors, male visitors must wait for the female of the house to initiate). If the gentleman of the house wishes to welcome you into his home by having his wicked way with you it is important (and fun) that you comply. It would be rude to do otherwise. This is the most affectionate of greetings and should be carried out away from humans who just don't get it and will try and break it up. It is important not to carry it out ON the humans, that seems to particularly distress them - sensitive souls.

At the home I visited last night there are two gorgeous girls, one is a wise older woman. When dealing with your elders try not to jump all over them if they seem reserved. The elderly dog deserves you respect and ear pulling and pushing over are not manners. If the elderly dog wishes to play he or she will come to you and they will tell you in no uncertain terms when they are finished. 

It may be that there are shy dogs at the home you are visiting. You must not scare the shy dogs and you should try not to be grumpy if they tell you to go away with lots of barking. Just play with your other chum(s) and every now and then check on the shy dog. With time she (or he) will learn that you are fun and will stop shouting and want to play.

Now for some very very important advice. It is possible that the house you are going to will have cats! I know it is shocking. Obviously you need to put those cats in their place and teach them that you are the boss. However your human and the house human(s) will not like this at all. You need to learn to be sneaky and wait till the humans aren't looking before barking at (and if you are lucky chasing) the cats. Do not get caught, especially more than once, or you will be taken home and called a bad dog. Be warned though, some cats do not understand that they are below us and will attack you with their ninja death claws. It is a risk we all have to take. 

Finally before playtime can commence you'll need to run around and check the house for badger surveillance equipment (and any yummy dead flies) that might have been missed by the occupants. This is very good manners and one of the reasons sneaky badgers have not yet got the upper hand with us! 

Then it is play time and I think we all know how that works.

When it is time to leave be polite and say goodbye nicely. A few licks and quiet grumbles will suffice. And that is that. Another successful play date.

Monday *My Gang*

Dear Diary

Do ya wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang?
D'ya wanna be in my gang, my gang?

Well yeah you probably do, because my gang is super radtastic with a side of awesome sauce. And my gang gets bigger all the time, so I thought I'd share some of my super mad fun friends from my gang with you.

This is Kaiser. For a while he was my extra special boyfriend and showered me with affection (and other things). He's fallen out of the love with me now because the gorgeous Frank has come along and Kaiser swings both ways. I still have a soft spot in my heart for him though and try my best to get his attention with kisses and subtle bum sniffs when I can. Kaiser is very fancy an has been the best in NZ twice (whatever that means).

This is Otto, Kaiser's brother. He is not as fancy as Kaiser, but just as gorgeous. He loves a good play and will run through the long grass with me. Mum has an extra soft spot for him

This Bob the Bullied, he is a big softy and often gets picked on by the other dogs in my gang.  He is lots of fun to roll around on top of and he likes lots of kisses, and you know how I like kisses.

This is Shouty Harry. He's always feeling lucky punk and his house overlooks the park where my gang mostly meets so he's always on patrol and barking at any interlopers. If there's trouble he's there straight away to mix it up. I like that in a man.



He's rather regal when he wants to be, but that isn't very often. He's secretly a mummy's bog though.

This is Hunter the Shark, although I like to secretly think of him as Hunter the Womble because he's always picking up rubbish and carrying it around. He's a great playmate and knows the importance of a long nose for finding mischief and getting a good grip on your rival's neck (often mine, but I can take it).

These two are the "Perfect Pups". Lets be polite and just say their name is ironic. They are a real laugh and love nothing more than to run up, down, and along the hills. They are really real brothers from the same litter and they speak a secret language to each to keep their naughty plans secret.

This is Magic Marv. This is a dog with the special powers of cunning. Those big cute eyes say "I am just a little angel who needs a snuggle", but really they are looking for someone to pounce on and play with.

Here we have Walter the Barbarian. He is a teenager and galumphs about in the long grass as much as possible. He does a great troll impression and is all legs. Despite his sometimes loutish ways he really is a soft touch and will sidle up to unsuspecting humans and lean into them till they give me pats. Clever!

This is my nemesis, Monstrous Millicent. She is just a baby girl, but boy does she want to run my gang. I, of course, am well mannered and know not to beat up dogs smaller than me so I let her have the upper hand and then secretly laugh when she gets in trouble for being all too growly and bitey. We are slowly coming to a lady's agreement about who's the boss. She is Walter's baby sister.

This is Kimba Smiling Lips. She is new to my gang, but a great addition. She is a little younger than me, but loves to run through the grass and play chase, a perfect companion for a dog of my great stature. I hope I get to play with her again soon.

Crazy Cooper is hard to photo. He is always running and jumping because he's very young and everything is so damn exciting. I remember that time of my life (4 months ago), they were good times. Cooper is besties with my new boyfriend...

... Baby Face Frank. He is the youngest in the group so he gets all the snuggles from the humans and gets picked up and carried lots. Which I think is rather silly given he's enormous! I love playing with him most of all, his ears are soft and delicious and he's a big gentle honey. Cooper almost always joins it so it becomes even more fun!

So that's most of the regulars in my gang. They are all super cool, obviously to hang out with me, and I get very excited every time I see them. My gang carries out all sorts of important business like meetings...

...races...

... and of course chatting at the bar after a hard day's walk.

Although often there's a fool who drinks too much and jumps in the pool!

And finally there are the kisses, there's always lots of kisses to go round.

So that's some of my gang. I'll fill you in on the rest in the future, but for now I've got rumbles to plan and hijinks to sort out.