Tuesday *A Dachshund's Guide to Visiting your Friend's House*

Dear Diary

Correct etiquette when visiting someone else's home is very important, or your human will get all silly and growly and you might offend your chums.

When first arriving it is extremely important that you announce that it is you by barking and yelling as loud as possible. This will let your chums know that it is you arriving and not some border incursion by evil badgers and their minions. 

Once your chums know you are there they will return your greeting with gusto and the formal invitation into the house will be given. To humans this probably seems the same as other barking, but it is our secret language to ensure that no spy from the badger camp is admitted into a friend's house.

Once inside there are different rules for different members of the household. Firstly my favorite sort of chum, the gentleman of the household (note, this only applies to female visitors, male visitors must wait for the female of the house to initiate). If the gentleman of the house wishes to welcome you into his home by having his wicked way with you it is important (and fun) that you comply. It would be rude to do otherwise. This is the most affectionate of greetings and should be carried out away from humans who just don't get it and will try and break it up. It is important not to carry it out ON the humans, that seems to particularly distress them - sensitive souls.

At the home I visited last night there are two gorgeous girls, one is a wise older woman. When dealing with your elders try not to jump all over them if they seem reserved. The elderly dog deserves you respect and ear pulling and pushing over are not manners. If the elderly dog wishes to play he or she will come to you and they will tell you in no uncertain terms when they are finished. 

It may be that there are shy dogs at the home you are visiting. You must not scare the shy dogs and you should try not to be grumpy if they tell you to go away with lots of barking. Just play with your other chum(s) and every now and then check on the shy dog. With time she (or he) will learn that you are fun and will stop shouting and want to play.

Now for some very very important advice. It is possible that the house you are going to will have cats! I know it is shocking. Obviously you need to put those cats in their place and teach them that you are the boss. However your human and the house human(s) will not like this at all. You need to learn to be sneaky and wait till the humans aren't looking before barking at (and if you are lucky chasing) the cats. Do not get caught, especially more than once, or you will be taken home and called a bad dog. Be warned though, some cats do not understand that they are below us and will attack you with their ninja death claws. It is a risk we all have to take. 

Finally before playtime can commence you'll need to run around and check the house for badger surveillance equipment (and any yummy dead flies) that might have been missed by the occupants. This is very good manners and one of the reasons sneaky badgers have not yet got the upper hand with us! 

Then it is play time and I think we all know how that works.

When it is time to leave be polite and say goodbye nicely. A few licks and quiet grumbles will suffice. And that is that. Another successful play date.

Monday *My Gang*

Dear Diary

Do ya wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang?
D'ya wanna be in my gang, my gang?

Well yeah you probably do, because my gang is super radtastic with a side of awesome sauce. And my gang gets bigger all the time, so I thought I'd share some of my super mad fun friends from my gang with you.

This is Kaiser. For a while he was my extra special boyfriend and showered me with affection (and other things). He's fallen out of the love with me now because the gorgeous Frank has come along and Kaiser swings both ways. I still have a soft spot in my heart for him though and try my best to get his attention with kisses and subtle bum sniffs when I can. Kaiser is very fancy an has been the best in NZ twice (whatever that means).

This is Otto, Kaiser's brother. He is not as fancy as Kaiser, but just as gorgeous. He loves a good play and will run through the long grass with me. Mum has an extra soft spot for him

This Bob the Bullied, he is a big softy and often gets picked on by the other dogs in my gang.  He is lots of fun to roll around on top of and he likes lots of kisses, and you know how I like kisses.

This is Shouty Harry. He's always feeling lucky punk and his house overlooks the park where my gang mostly meets so he's always on patrol and barking at any interlopers. If there's trouble he's there straight away to mix it up. I like that in a man.



He's rather regal when he wants to be, but that isn't very often. He's secretly a mummy's bog though.

This is Hunter the Shark, although I like to secretly think of him as Hunter the Womble because he's always picking up rubbish and carrying it around. He's a great playmate and knows the importance of a long nose for finding mischief and getting a good grip on your rival's neck (often mine, but I can take it).

These two are the "Perfect Pups". Lets be polite and just say their name is ironic. They are a real laugh and love nothing more than to run up, down, and along the hills. They are really real brothers from the same litter and they speak a secret language to each to keep their naughty plans secret.

This is Magic Marv. This is a dog with the special powers of cunning. Those big cute eyes say "I am just a little angel who needs a snuggle", but really they are looking for someone to pounce on and play with.

Here we have Walter the Barbarian. He is a teenager and galumphs about in the long grass as much as possible. He does a great troll impression and is all legs. Despite his sometimes loutish ways he really is a soft touch and will sidle up to unsuspecting humans and lean into them till they give me pats. Clever!

This is my nemesis, Monstrous Millicent. She is just a baby girl, but boy does she want to run my gang. I, of course, am well mannered and know not to beat up dogs smaller than me so I let her have the upper hand and then secretly laugh when she gets in trouble for being all too growly and bitey. We are slowly coming to a lady's agreement about who's the boss. She is Walter's baby sister.

This is Kimba Smiling Lips. She is new to my gang, but a great addition. She is a little younger than me, but loves to run through the grass and play chase, a perfect companion for a dog of my great stature. I hope I get to play with her again soon.

Crazy Cooper is hard to photo. He is always running and jumping because he's very young and everything is so damn exciting. I remember that time of my life (4 months ago), they were good times. Cooper is besties with my new boyfriend...

... Baby Face Frank. He is the youngest in the group so he gets all the snuggles from the humans and gets picked up and carried lots. Which I think is rather silly given he's enormous! I love playing with him most of all, his ears are soft and delicious and he's a big gentle honey. Cooper almost always joins it so it becomes even more fun!

So that's most of the regulars in my gang. They are all super cool, obviously to hang out with me, and I get very excited every time I see them. My gang carries out all sorts of important business like meetings...

...races...

... and of course chatting at the bar after a hard day's walk.

Although often there's a fool who drinks too much and jumps in the pool!

And finally there are the kisses, there's always lots of kisses to go round.

So that's some of my gang. I'll fill you in on the rest in the future, but for now I've got rumbles to plan and hijinks to sort out.

Sunday - Lending a helping paw

Dear Diary,

What a fun day today! Mum and Dad were both lounging around home, although Dad was stuck to his typing machine, so I got lots of snuggles in the morning. And when I wasn't getting snuggles there was bone. I'm not allowed it in the house, but it is so fun to try and sneak it inside when no one is looking and then run outside again when I'm caught. I know I can only get away with it a couple of times in a row or my beautiful bone is taken away. Which sucks and is stupid.

In the afternoon we got to go on a walk and I met the beautiful Poppy. 

She was three but still loved playing with me, although she wasn't super happy when I got hold of her awesome fluffy ear!

Then a great thing happened. My lovely friend Aurora showed up with Otto and Kaiser and three big silly blondies. So exciting! Plus there were children to run around with and give me snuggles, how cool! 

However Mum said that we were actually there for Serious Business and I had to be extra good and go on my lead because we were meeting my amazing teacher Els who was helping a big dog who had been savaged by a little dog and was now scared of all little dogs and wanted to eat them. Lucky I'm a big dog!

So Mum and I went over and I was a good girl and sat patiently while Floyd the handsome staffie walked past me lots. And then I jumped round lots when I had to and Floyd walked past some more. He was very good and got closer and closer and became less and less interested in me (I know that was the goal, but really how could he?). I got treats and so did he. 

Then I got snuggles with Els (yay!) and Floyd's human sisters and then it was play time again! 

There was lots of running and rolling and fun, but I'm a little sad that Kaiser isn't in love with me anymore. I tried really hard to get him interested, but to no avail.

Then my friends had to leave, which was sad and I wanted to go with them, but Mum found me new friends to play with. One was called Montigue and he was younger than me by a month. We had the best time! Especially since he has delicious flopping ears for me to grab onto.

I was very tired after all the fun and the hard work helping Floyd. That's the thing about us dachshunds, we love to help and our people are really special. And the specialest one I know at the moment is called Mummy D. She's the human mummy of the amazing little Winny Woo (I call her Winny Sassy Shoes because she has to wear the cutest shoes eva) who lives in the UK and is battling to walk. I love her and me and Mum watch her videos together. If you want to watch an amazing woman and an amazing dog work to walk go check out the Winny Mini page. She is an inspiration and a gorgeous little angel.

It's been a long dog, I mean time

Dear Diary

Seems I'm just about as good at keeping a diary as my Mum. Sorry to all my lovely friends for my long absence. So this will really be a quick update of some of my adventures.

When I left you I was in Timaru and having a great time. That great time continued. Mum and Aunty Sarah took me for a big walk through a thing called an estuary (it's just a fancy name for a swamp) and we ended up at a beach. It didn't seem like a beach to me at first, but Mum said that if I was in the UK (hi guys) this is what  most of their beaches are like. 

I had to check the beach for badgers, we had my little human friend with us and I couldn't let her get caught up in any evil badger plot. I was sure there was one where Aunty Sarah was sitting, but I must have scared it off with my awesome shovels of doom.

On the way back from the beach I decided that Mum really wasn't paying enough attention to what I was up to so I taught her a good lesson. It was even better because she was wearing her nice clothes and had the fancy camera! There was lots of long grass by the path, but I spotted a stream with some ducks in it. 

I've never really been interested in ducks before but they were just irresistible. A few bunny hops through the grass and then SPLASH! Ducks went quacking away and Mum came bounding through the grass. Unfortunately I had miscalculated the steepness of the banks of the stream and I couldn't get out. I was a bit worried till I saw Mum. Also it turned out the stream wasn't really full of water, but black stinky (YUSS) mud. It was hard to swim in. Mum whipped me out and I managed to get mud all over her. Then I spent lots of time trying to dry myself in the cut grass. 

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea (especially since I had to have a really loooooong bath to remove my glorious aroma).

That was my best Timaru adventure, but I also told lots of cows about how I'm the boss of them (they didn't listen).

I mastered the art of climbing up and sliding down the little human's cool slide.

And I partook of some civil disobedience. Mum says some rules are made to be bent a little!

Back home Mum has been poorly for a while, but we've still been meeting up with my new Pet Care friends. I've had great walks with them, although that sexy beast Kaiser seems to have fallen out of love with me now. Sad.

At least Otto still plays with me a bit. And after a rough start the tiny bully Millicent and I are getting on much better. 

I also went on an adventure to a Beech Forest, but I didn't like it. There were millions of wasps around and I got stung buy a wasp (but I showed it by eating it) and a bee. It made me really sad so Mum carried me. It was disappointing cause I love native forests. 

Below are lots of pics of my fun times. They say a picture is worth a really large amount of words so these will save you from having to spend the rest of the day reading this.