Dear Diary
Correct etiquette when visiting someone else's home is very important, or your human will get all silly and growly and you might offend your chums.
When first arriving it is extremely important that you announce that it is you by barking and yelling as loud as possible. This will let your chums know that it is you arriving and not some border incursion by evil badgers and their minions.
Once your chums know you are there they will return your greeting with gusto and the formal invitation into the house will be given. To humans this probably seems the same as other barking, but it is our secret language to ensure that no spy from the badger camp is admitted into a friend's house.
Once inside there are different rules for different members of the household. Firstly my favorite sort of chum, the gentleman of the household (note, this only applies to female visitors, male visitors must wait for the female of the house to initiate). If the gentleman of the house wishes to welcome you into his home by having his wicked way with you it is important (and fun) that you comply. It would be rude to do otherwise. This is the most affectionate of greetings and should be carried out away from humans who just don't get it and will try and break it up. It is important not to carry it out ON the humans, that seems to particularly distress them - sensitive souls.
At the home I visited last night there are two gorgeous girls, one is a wise older woman. When dealing with your elders try not to jump all over them if they seem reserved. The elderly dog deserves you respect and ear pulling and pushing over are not manners. If the elderly dog wishes to play he or she will come to you and they will tell you in no uncertain terms when they are finished.
It may be that there are shy dogs at the home you are visiting. You must not scare the shy dogs and you should try not to be grumpy if they tell you to go away with lots of barking. Just play with your other chum(s) and every now and then check on the shy dog. With time she (or he) will learn that you are fun and will stop shouting and want to play.
Now for some very very important advice. It is possible that the house you are going to will have cats! I know it is shocking. Obviously you need to put those cats in their place and teach them that you are the boss. However your human and the house human(s) will not like this at all. You need to learn to be sneaky and wait till the humans aren't looking before barking at (and if you are lucky chasing) the cats. Do not get caught, especially more than once, or you will be taken home and called a bad dog. Be warned though, some cats do not understand that they are below us and will attack you with their ninja death claws. It is a risk we all have to take.
Finally before playtime can commence you'll need to run around and check the house for badger surveillance equipment (and any yummy dead flies) that might have been missed by the occupants. This is very good manners and one of the reasons sneaky badgers have not yet got the upper hand with us!
Then it is play time and I think we all know how that works.
When it is time to leave be polite and say goodbye nicely. A few licks and quiet grumbles will suffice. And that is that. Another successful play date.
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